Must be that time of the month...

Today I feel really wierd. I am not sure if it is just that time of the months, or I am in the beginnings of a mid life crisis of sorts!!

I just had the realisation that - this is my life. What I have now, my child, my husband, our home, my cats, everything - this is it. When I was a kid and thinking about how my life would turn out and what I would do when I grew up, this is it!

And I can't help feel a little bit ripped off. Regrets, well not really. Just a bit of a scare to think that this is it!

I had been feeling like this for a little while, well not exactly like this, just some underlying wierd feeling that I could never quite put my finger on. It was not that I was unhappy as such, just something was there niggling away.

I think it really came to a head this weekend, when we had a couple of young riders stay at our place. When I say young, well younger, only 28 and 29 which is only 2 years younger than me. But it made me realise how much they have achieved in their lives, how much they have done and seen, and also how much they have left to do. Living in Europe for 9 years, travelling heaps, seeing the world, meeting lots of people. Then when they are done with that they will settle down and start a family and have all that part of their lives left ahead of them.

I am not saying that I want to give up this life for another, it had just made me realise that this is it! I will probably have another baby, watch them grow up, then retire and die. That's it.

I guess that sounds really selifish on one level, that in watching them grow I will get so much joy and love and laughter. And when we retire, we will travel and have fun and enjoy our grandchildren. But all I can see now is the next few years where my husband will work his ass off at work, and we will raise the children and I will be stuck at home. I think that's it really, feeling trapped. I thought it might have been wanting to reclaim my youth, after the night out I had on Saturday, and had to go home early coz of the baby. Selfishness has always been a strong point of mine. Jealousy maybe too, that I can't have the life that others have. But I wanted to have a family, I did a lot of living before Alex and there is much to come after wards.

Just a different sort of living.